Hanime on Anime's Autism Story #1: “Stand Up, Be Strong!”
Greetings one and all! Today begins my first Autism Story. If you’re new around here or just missed my
kick off to my Autism Awareness Event, I basically talk about something that
happened in my life and how autism played a part in it. But before I get into any further detail on
this week’s story, I do want to note that I made a mistake with last week’s
introductory post. I thought that Autism
Awareness Day was on April 1st, it’s actually the 2nd. Hanime on Anime tradition states that the
event starts the first of April, so therein lies the confusion on my part. This won’t change how the event is run in any
way; I just wanted to note that I made a mistake. Anyways, back to this week’s story. I decided to tell a story that makes a very
personal and revealing note, one that I typically don’t do on my blog. Getting straight to the point, it all started
back in December…
Many of you who read my blog
regularly will remember that I had announced in December of 2016 I was going
through some issues and was overwhelmed.
While I don’t remember the finer details of that announcement, I know
that I was hiding more than I had let on.
The truth is, at that time, I was having some serious relationship
problems. During last year’s Autism
Awareness event, I gushed about how I was engaged and had made an announcement
the previous year about my engagement.
In the late fall of 2016, our relationship took a nasty emotional turn
for the worst and began to deteriorate.
And sadly, in January, I had to call of the wedding…and the
engagement. In the three months since
then, I’ve been doing much better, but it has been a struggle, no thanks to my
ex; barely a month after the break up, he threatened to kill himself via text
message. After this and other selfish and disrespectful
acts, I have broken all contact with him and have no intention of talking to
him…ever. Okay, so maybe I’m venting a
little bit, but believe me, there is a point to this.
When things went south between me
and my ex, my self-confidence took a huge blow.
Granted, this shouldn’t be surprising; that’s normal when someone goes through
a bad relationship or even a breakup, especially one that had become as
emotionally toxic and one-sided as mine had.
But at that time, a deep and hidden fear surfaced. And that fear was being treated by the rest
of the world like I was incapable. I’m
not ashamed to admit that I have Asperger’s Syndrome, and I’m proud of what I’m
able to accomplish in spite of the weaknesses that come with it. But I also know that not everyone shares the
same view that I do. In my opinion, some
people think that seeing someone with a disability gives them a free pass to
treat the disabled with little or no respect or credibility. And while these people claim it doesn’t bother them, they make it apparent that they
know you have a disability and do everything they can in their actions and
their words to make it apparent to you.
That ugly fact kept haunting me.
Why? Because I was losing the one
person who gave me the support I needed to tell myself that there was nothing
wrong with who I was. Don’t get me
wrong, I have friends and family that are beyond supportive of me and know the
accomplishments I’ve gained, but when you have a lover or a partner, that kind
of support is different because it comes from someone who is outside that
familiar circle. And when I started to
lose that emotional support from my ex, it made me feel alone, like nothing I
did meant anything. Even when my own
mother would tell me of how people in our little town admired me for having
Asperger’s and making the most of it in really awesome ways, it still didn’t
seem to help. The emotional torment I
was suffering from was so bad that I had to start taking anti-depressants just
to deal with my ex and his problems. But
even then, things were not improving.
Then there came the break up. When things continued to deteriorate, I came
to a simple realization: this isn’t right for me. I was sacrificing everything I had just to
make things work out with my ex. My
family, my spiritual relationship with God, I stood to lose all of it. And all the while, my ex got everything in
return. As I said, the relationship had
become very one-sided; he stood to gain everything (including a new wife), and
I stood to lose everything (including myself).
What’s more, it was hard to find the strength to keep our relationship
alive. And so, because of all of that, I
decided I had had enough. And that was
it. I had hoped to try and maybe
rekindle a friendship with my ex, but if you read the second paragraph, well,
you can see that that didn’t work out.
Sure, the break up itself had
nothing to do with being autistic, but my road to recovery did, especially when
I was hurting. The hardest part was
getting over the engagement; it was hard to look at all of my friends and
family sending out wedding invitations or announcing an engagement and show
support. It’s not that I wasn’t happy
for them-I’d like to think that those friends and family that are getting
married and I are close and on good terms-, it was just that any mention of it
would remind me of what I once had. It
reminded me of how happy I was to go through with planning a wedding and how
crushed I was to lose that happiness-even though calling everything off was my
choice and for the better in the end. I
wasn’t angry (jealous maybe), it just opened some serious wounds. But
then my mom passed on four little words that helped me tremendously: “it’s not
about you.” Those four little words made
me realize that none of those people are not trying to hurt me, they want to
share their happiness with others, with me.
But because I was unknowingly holding them accountable for my pain, it
kept them from sharing that happiness with me.
That’s not fair on my part. And the
truth is, I want to be included in
other people’s lives. I’ve always
described autism as the human’s innate ability to communicate and interact with
others being turned off. But just
because I might not have the ability to communicate what I need to say or
interact with other people doesn’t mean that I don’t have the capability to do either of those
things. I have plenty of friends that I
try to keep in touch with. I’ve been
able to have romantic relationships (obviously since I’ve been talking about
being engaged). I can do those things, I
just do them differently, and that is what autism has always been to me. And sure, I wasn’t going to have the happily
ever after I thought I would have, but there were other great things I had done
up until now that were worth sharing: I got my own place, I have a job that I
love, and I’m back in school trying to get a degree that will hopefully enhance
my career. These are all awesome things! It also made me believe that –and I’m letting
my Catholic colors show here- my relationship ending the way that it did was I
sign from God that I wasn’t ready for marriage, but that He has someone very
special set aside for me who will treat me better and give me the emotional
support that I need.
So finally, you may be wondering
why I called this story “Stand Up, Be Strong!”
It actually is the title to a theme from Bleach. The lyrics for part
one (apparently there’s two parts) of the song go:
Stand up, be strong!
Know right from wrong!
Forever hence,
Believe yourself!
In many respects, I feel these
words describe how I’ve handled myself the past few months (the lyrics for part
II also carry some weight to them, but I’m only focusing on part I). I picked myself up after the break up and
maintained an inner strength within myself to move on with my life and not
dwell on the past but look forward to a bright new future. I’ve learned the right way and the wrong way
to handle the break up and the healing process that came with it. And finally, I started to believe in myself
again, without anyone’s-not even a fiancé’s-help and be proud of the cool and
awesome person that I am, autism included.
And that ends this event’s first
Autism Story. And boy, it was a lot
longer than I thought it would be. Not
to mention emotional. I cried a few
times just writing this. Anyways, that
ends this week’s post! Stay tuned for
tomorrow when I dish out another review on another long awaited show on my must
watch list!
-Hanime
on Anime
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